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i'm back from boston. did i say i was going? i can't remember. i think i fell in love with the place. it wasn't an instant feeling, but i could see myself living there. i'm really confused about the decision i have to make. i'm finally close to my family. i have more friends. i have an active social life. i've wanted to move away from here for far too long. now that i have the opportunity, i'm not sure if i'm ready to take it. different scenarios. i go to emerson in boston. i go to american and stay here. i defer for a semester and save up. but where should i defer to? i'm really unsure about this. on the train ride back to dc, i kept contemplating the decisions. i don't know what happened to me in boston, but i just felt so positive. i can't say that it was the environment, the company, or the fact that i have finally grown up. i can't really say what it was. everything that kept going wrong on the trip, i laughed off. i enjoyed it. i loved it. lately, i stop my daydreaming, and say to myself, "it's always nicer in your head, don't think of the possibilities." no expectations, no disappointments. i was fine, until i got home and checked my email. everyone has a weakness, and i think he is mine. i don't think i'll see him when i visit england, perhaps it's for the best. he's going to some asian country during the same time i'll be visiting. i remember two years ago when he was here, he'd piss me off, when he acted not so perfect. i'd just ignore him the whole night, and like he instinctively knew, he'd come and sit next to me until i gave up being mad. today, before i even saw the email, i was thinking of his faults. and i even considered, maybe i'd be okay with them. that maybe i had the same faults myself. i think if my timing didn't suck so badly, that maybe he'd be in love with me. he really changed me, for the better. there were far too many things that i was scared about before he came along. i just wish i could leave him behind as a stepping stone. in fact, i was hoping this trip would help me do that. he said he's gutted, how does he think i felt? i wouldn't hug him goodbye because i was so hurt by the night before. i don't know how to reply. i hate how passive aggressive i am when it comes to him. this doesn't feel finished.
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