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i've been back for quite some time. i need to write everything down in this journal. i've written entries on my other diary, and i will transfer it here once i have the energy. i had a great time in europe. i took 9 rolls of film. i went nuts with the camera. and there's even a roll that i didn't finish on my lomo. i didn't get to go to scotland, but i found that the most important thing out of this trip was seeing everyone from my childhood and having great conversations and great fun with them. i gave a love letter to the guy i've been crazy about for 2 years. he hasn't responded. somehow i don't think he will. things will be very awkward between us from now on, i suppose. good thing an ocean blocks us from each other. it feels very weird to be back. for two weeks i was used to being in a different bed and house every other day. i was used to always doing something, always being around different type of people. always trying to adjust and think about how i felt about the situation. always evaluating how american or unamerican i felt. i think the whole trip was like a therapy session for me. i cried by myself at the airport a lot. i even cried in front of my bff at a pub. and one my bff's mother cried when we were saying goodbye, i cried too. things i suspect about myself: i have an anxiety disorder (my worry causes me to get sick a lot), i'm not comfortable with being a perfectionist anymore, this all started from my childhood and wanting to make everything better. not even better, but something that fit a fantasy life. the clouds in england were beautiful. the pictures i took don't even do it justice. right now i'm a ball of confusion, but maybe the other entries will explain a little of what went on. |
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