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(written in france on a french keyboard on 7/29/03) words cant explain how bitter sweet this euro trip has been so far. i'm always around people who knew me as i was young. while in york, visiting my cousin he tells me that i still rub my eyes like i did when i was little. and he's still as fearless and reckless as he was during in childhood. he's this skater, who writes, paints, raps, draws, paints, drives the girls crazy, and floods you with affection. his friends are all interesting. i was sure they wouldn't be impressed with me, but i somehow got them all close their eyes and try to balance on one leg. one of them is nicknamed SHOES, but thanks to me he's now called SHOESTRING. i had to use an outside public restroom one night after drinking... i came out yelling, "there's nowhere for me to wash my hands." so they both ran away from me in a disgust. on the cab ride home shoestring insisted on shaking my hand despite the fact. i gave the cab driver a tip and told him, "this is from america." my "cousin" and i had some great conversations. i gave him some big sisterly advice, but i don't even remember what i exactly said. i had some equally great conversations with his mother. she explained to me how my family had really shaped their lives. how we had helped her son become more independent. all he is now is independent. she also told me that she noticed me observing everyone else when i was a kid. i think this is why i've considered her like a second mother for all those years. the first night i was in england, i have to admit i cried. i was homesick for america and didn't feel for england like i thought i would have. but the first night i was in trendy part of manchester, in the brits house surrounded by pictures of him. it wasn't the england i rembered. visiting york cheered me up a lot. the next three nights i was with my bff. the first night we traded jewelry and makeup, like we used to trade garbage pail kids. the second night we went out with her friends. one of her friends was this guy who used to hit on me when i was a kid. he's gay now. i had a whole bottle of wine to myself and i got so drunk that i kept seeing double. i was smart enough to start drinking water. everytime i got up to get water i kept seeing fucked up things. i swear i saw a woman wacking a guy off. but no one believes me. i almost started crying at one point imagining what my life would have been like had i stayed in england (a group of friends telling funny stories about eachother). i got to see the end of the british big brother. it was an interesting experience, since big brother is such a big deal in the uk. i spoke about american politics, when i said i wouldn't. it went surprisingly well. i gave a small percentage of my opinion on racism. i don't think northern england is ready for my complete perspective on the pakistani situation. i took many pictures of my old neighborhood and the people living in my old house let me take some pictures of the backyard. when i left, my bffs mum started crying which made me cry. and i never cry during goodbyes. my bff picked up my "cousin" from the train station. they have a short reunion and she takes us all to the brits house. the brit and my "cousin" then have their reunion time. so i sit there and hardly speak to the brit. and because he's tired and i'm a weirdo i think we're cold to eachother. that night we go out to shoestrings sisters birthday party. i overhear the brit talking to my bff about his exgf and marrying her in a heartbeat. i tell my bff that i needed to hear this and that we all carry our baggage. of course, a couple of drinks later and the brit and i are talking up a storm. he's telling me about south africa, i tell him about boston. i remember telling him about the mix cds i had made for my european trip, and he tells me he does the same things. i suggest that he listen to the new blur and wilco. he tries to push the smiths on me again. we talk about things we remember from two years ago. he bought requiem for a dream thanks to me. i wish i could remember how we got to talking about vanilla sky. according to my "cousin" i was giggling the whole night. which is frightening image. when my bff started freaking out. she told me to wake the brit up, because he's a doctor and knows what to do. i think i might have made things worse, because i was overly concerned about my bff because of having a similar reaction before. i kept telling her that it may seem that we don't care, but we love her very much. but this added on to her paranoia. she tried to leave many times, but we tried to convince her to sleep it off. the brit was really calm about it, while i got over dramatic and frustrated because everything i said was turned into a conspiracy for the demise of my bff. at one point, the brit was looking at my bff and she accused him of looking evily at her. i watched him and thought, "i'd melt if he looked at me like that." at one point my bff insisted on waking my "cousin" up. this meant that the brit had to slap and jump on him. and even then he just raised his head and went back to sleep. at the time i was too jealous of his sleeping, and couldn't laugh about it. plus laughter would have brought on more suspicion. my bff said she felt like we were in a cult. when i told the brits sister about this, she laughed and reminded me of the name i had come up with to describe how all of us kids are connected. after 2 hours of sleep, i woke up feeling exceptionally cold. i think i was lucky i felt completely comfortable with everyone, or i would have had a similar reaction. my bff is feeling shitty about the whole thing and keeps texting everyone to apologize. i think my "cousin" set her off into crazyland though by being cold to her at the end of the night. ...... i'm getting tired so i'll leave the france details for later. and we'll see what happens on thursday. timing will be key, but i think i might feel a big relief if i get to give it to him before i leave.
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