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my university has a celebration thing every year. well one year they had the roots, and jimmies chicken shack and probably some other good bands. and out of my hundred years at the damn school, i only got drunk/high at one of those celebrations. that was the year of the roots. anyway, i remember watching the roots for awhile. and jimmies chicken shack. but the only song i remember was 'super bon bon' by soul coughing, who didn't perform at the celebration. but they played the song constantly between bands. every damn time, i would turn to someone and say "who's playing?" so i finally bought the cd today. because graduation has made me extra nostalgic lately. i often tell people that angela was the first person i met at my school. she wasn't. i think i met one of my brothers friends before i met her. but she was the only person i met by myself i guess. we were in the same orientation. the same orientation group even. i had to interview her twice, in this clock icebreaker thing. she told me how she liked revenge and she scared me a little. we didn't become friends right away. but chance brought us together again, when she lived on the same floor as some people i went to high school with. the other night, while angela and kim were asleep in my room. i randomly thought about jason. i don't know what got me to think of him. but i remember he once sent me this e-mail. about the chaos theory. how a butterfly flapping its wing in antartica can cause a hurricane in california. people move in and out of our lives constantly. but the ones that stay, i don't know, i always try to figure out why they're still here. and how it all began. when that exact point was when they actually walked in your life. i think with angela, it wasn't at orientation really. i think it was at the tv lounge. where i sat there and talked about tv, my life, her life, school, people, and everything, while i skipped class. it was the weeks and months following. it was at a point when i was really figuring out the evils in other people. i think that was the point we moved past chance. it was her crazy roommate, our crazy(freaky) friends, my chipmunk roommate, and lots of humor. and then i think about the other people. maybe they never moved past chance. i was kind of a stepping stone for other things. for amy - vanessa and i introduced her to psychology. vanessa is to obvious too even mention. i introduced elaine to her best friends now. don't get me wrong, people didn't just step all over me. i stepped all over other people too. from one person to another. from one person to another thing. elaine linked me to becca and nina. indirectly. from one link to another. i sound like an earthlink commercial. but i don't know. i've just been thinking about it, about people in my life. about why other people seem so angry with people from their past. "you may be through with the past, but the past aint done with you." this all sounds weird coming from me, because i'm always an advocate of free will, when it is presented against fate. i never want to settle with "it's meant to be" and i'm not entirely saying that. but i think that certain people, whether it be by chance or will, or by a little bit of both. they're links. and if you don't learn to let go, tony soprano will beat it out of you! so go ahead and be angry. go ahead and hold on to your feelings. but it is only binding you more and slowing you down. i read an article about radiohead today. i haven't read many articles over the years. because i just got tired of trying to be number 1 fan. anyway, it was about the lapse between ok computer/airbag and kid a. and how thom yorke just felt like he couldn't speak. like he didn't have anything to say. and the article alluded on the pressures of making an album after the success ok computer and how maybe kid a was a response to that. how to disappear after ok computer. this is why i love radiohead. they're so reactive, so responsive. and i think i'm the same way. i hate to clump them with my passive aggresive personality. because i'm sure that's a major injustice to them. but in a way, i think they are. i can't speak, and i'm going to show you what it's like. and like this entry, i can't really articulate what i'm feeling. i'm just glad to have the people i have in my life. i'm glad that i can be forgiving of the past. i'm glad that my manicure still looks good. |
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